How to Not Ruin Your Life with Relationships

00:00.00	Max Shank	Welcome back to the Monday morning podcast with max and mike today we are going to talk about relationships because I don't know mike I've noticed that most people ruin their lives with just 1 or 2 bad relationships or maybe it becomes a pattern but. I think 1 of the biggest traps is to fall into the common way that people relate with each other especially with romantic relationships I'm sure you have some experience and have seen that as well.
00:30.70	mikebledsoe	Yeah I think most people have we go back to their first relationship. They had their first girlfriend or first boyfriend. Whatever it is and probably for most people every person they've dated since that person has just been a new iteration of the same thing. They they'd likely relate to them the same way. They they find a lot of things that are in common in the beginning. It's really easy to overlook the the all the bad things. All the things that that may have gone south in your previous relationship because well you're.
01:02.63	Max Shank	To name.
01:08.48	mikebledsoe	You're on drugs when you're in love I'd say the first six months and.
01:10.20	Max Shank	No doubt so you think the first relationship sets the tone for all the rest of them.
01:15.13	mikebledsoe	I Think you I think your relationship with your father sets a tone for all your romantic relationships because when you're when you're born.
01:24.32	Max Shank	That explains why I go for beefy guys with big mustache. I was wondering what that was.
01:32.20	mikebledsoe	Ah, well this this is the framework I've been operating from over the last few years when when looking at relationships and that is when you're born you are. Ah yeah, it's your first love the so your mother.
01:43.53	Max Shank	I remember you telling me this you said your father is your first friend first relationship outside yourself.
01:51.85	mikebledsoe	When you yeah when you're born and you come out of your mother's womb you you were inside of her and then you should at least go to the breast pretty early after after being born and you really associate with your mother. So your mother really. Teaches you how to have a relationship with yourself and then your father is the first person outside of yourself that you have a relationship with so whether you're a man or a woman. He really sets the stage for ah how you relate to people and not necessarily just romantic relationships. Um, and ah I've also heard paul check talk about this which is you're usually ah attracted to a woman who has a similar body type to your mother. So if your mother had big breasts you probably are attracted to big breasts and so on and so forth I don't think that's always true but I imagine it's a fair. Fair assumption. So.
02:48.95	Max Shank	So so basically what you're saying is that the relationship you have with your dad and the physical appearance of your mom guides a lot of your selections in choosing a mate.
03:04.82	mikebledsoe	Yeah I would say people yeah people who haven't done a lot of work are more likely to just fall into those patterns. That's so I'm not saying this is an absolute. It's comfortable. It's safe.
03:07.24	Max Shank	From a very young age.
03:14.00	Max Shank	It feels comfortable. It probably that that makes sense it would feel what would feel more comfortable than someone who acts like your dad and looks like your mom. But.
03:25.82	mikebledsoe	Ah, yeah. Um, yeah, yeah, well well people people hate change right? And so well what they do is your parents really teach you how to relate to other people. They they teach you? How love looks you know people who grew up in a home where the parents are fighting all the time. Maybe there's physical abuse.
03:30.77	Max Shank	I mean I guess it's familiar of god.
03:50.35	mikebledsoe	And then they get an abuse of relationships. It's like well they don't They aren't experiencing love unless that experience is happening. Um and what's that.
03:56.73	Max Shank	I Think that takes us to the next phase really well which is how your parents romantic relationship looks to you because you're going to. You're going to probably copy that to a certain extent or you're at least going to say oh that's normal.
04:08.41	mikebledsoe	That's true.
04:15.87	Max Shank	So whether your parents are very cold and standoffish and not very affectionate toward each other or whether you live with a single dad who's just a casanova taking home a different lady every other Night. You're probably going to just mimic. That instinctually I guess or naturally you're going to mimic those behaviors.
04:36.83	mikebledsoe	Yeah, and it's really interesting because a lot of people don't think that they are but they're out they the people on the outside looking in are going. Oh that's totally what you're doing but because it is so normal to people they don't They don't even see it. Ah yeah, it's ah.
04:55.62	Max Shank	Well you see ah some couples like look almost like carbon copies of each other too. You see a guy in a gal who look almost the same they look like they could be brother and sister. They're not in the cases that I'm talking I mean I know that happens sometimes but.
04:55.64	mikebledsoe	It's fascinating stuff.
05:03.48	mikebledsoe	Yet.
05:12.62	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's ah, there's a name for that that I've seen a chart somewhere. It says like the different types of coupling that can occur and.
05:14.38	Max Shank	And the cases I'm talking about they just find someone who looks like them.
05:26.85	Max Shank	Man.
05:29.39	mikebledsoe	A lot of times if that type of coupling is occurring then you know there's likely ah a repetition of patterns. There's likely like gonna you're gonna feel really good about the relationship in the beginning but over time you may find dissatisfaction and I say may a lot here because I I don't.
05:42.63	Max Shank	Anyone.
05:46.87	mikebledsoe	There's no absolutes with all of this and ah 1 thing I Want to point out too is we're talking about what people learn from their parents which is different than what your parents taught you So what? a teacher intends for you to learn and what you receive it. These are different Things. So I like to keep that clear too because max said you said something that really stands out which is how you perceived your parents' relationship as how you're gonna be behave So as an adult what can happen a lot of times is. We intellectually look at our parents relationship or we look at the past and go oh that was not a big deal or I you know you can reason it away you can create reasons for and against why things were a certain way. But if you dig down deep enough which I've I've done a lot of that type of work where we deep dig. Deep down into what happened emotionally at a young age and people end up what we end up discovering is oh I learned this thing and I as I got older I intellectualized it away but it. But even though I intellectually intellectualized it away.
06:51.96	Max Shank	And.
06:59.65	mikebledsoe	It was still a pattern that was dominating my life. So I like to just bring that to people's awareness. Yeah, a lot of subconscious behavior.
07:01.52	Max Shank	Um, subconsciously subconsciously I think it's really important to distinguish between instinct and intellect. That's 1 of the main things I like to communicate with people is that you have these instincts that have. Basically nothing to do with your Upbringing. You're going to have an instinctual desire If. You're a man toward a female most of the time and so you're going to find a lot of ladies sexually desirable and your intellect is. Able to override your instinct but not all the time right? So you have things that are instinctual.
07:41.73	mikebledsoe	Well it depends on if you're It's probably how stressed how stressed you are in that moment or how much fear you're experiencing dictates the instinct versus intellect.
07:51.28	Max Shank	So it's like the pause between Impulse and action I guess because some things are instinctual and then some things are ingrained like I think beating your spouse is not an instinct but I'm I'm guessing. But if you.
07:55.20	mikebledsoe	Um.
08:03.39	mikebledsoe	No.
08:09.39	mikebledsoe	I.
08:09.86	Max Shank	If you see your if you see your parents beating each other then that's going to be ingrained into you right? So you have the the pure instincts which is sexual attraction and ah probably ah, there's a sense of family there as well. Maybe.
08:16.29	mikebledsoe	Right? right.
08:26.57	mikebledsoe	Just me.
08:29.12	Max Shank	More nurturing on the side of females generally and then you have behaviors and patterns that are ingrained where you have these roles that each participant in a relationship plays and you're going to.. It's like you were saying you know you don't. Necessarily do what your parents tell you you don't do what your teachers tell you you just either copy them or you try to do the opposite mostly right, right? What what you see.
08:53.77	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, it's what you learn from them. Not what they try to teach you? Yeah all right? So we covered super early development in regard to relationships which is a good foundation.
09:05.20	Max Shank	I Think it's good. We have we have like a right? So then we move on into relationships should we go to relationships because that's probably I think we don't need to go into like.
09:17.88	mikebledsoe	I want to let everyone know we're we're ten minutes in his show while them know we're gonna talk about how to pick up chicks at some point in this just ah so people keep paying attention.
09:24.91	Max Shank	Oh yeah, so here's what you do you? Ah you spend like 10 years getting into really good shape and getting really rich and then the rest of it doesn't matter or or another option.
09:39.71	mikebledsoe	Ah.
09:43.41	Max Shank	You can just ah, go up and and talk to girls that you're interested in and actually be interested in them.
09:50.20	mikebledsoe	Yeah, that's the key. Well I think most guys I'm gonna talk about guys because I think we're more of an expert on men than we are women.
09:57.87	Max Shank	Are we gonna talk about are we gonna talk about the pedestal today. We we we got to talk about the pedestal today I can tell I you and I are on the same like wavelength I've been there I've done it too.
10:02.62	mikebledsoe	Yeah, we can talk about the pedestal. We got to talk about the pedestal. Actually I what I was about to say kind of leads into that. Yeah.
10:17.84	Max Shank	I've put ladies up on this high pedestal. Not healthy, not healthy to do that.
10:18.43	mikebledsoe	Yeah, well now I forgot what I was gonna say so yeah, well when we get in our our first relationships ah man women are just so ah I would say a lot of. What got me in my first relationships is me me trying to.
10:38.16	Max Shank	Like holding the pause button women are so oh God What's even do.
10:47.43	mikebledsoe	Um, so like when I when I first started why it totally didn't know it at the time but I looked back at my childhood and and the girls and it was it was all about you know. Making myself feel loved like I wanted to feel loved. So I you know would go after I like need to go after the prettiest girl I wanted to go after the same girl that everybody else was going after. Um, there was yeah yeah, then everyone would worship me which is not completely inaccurate.
11:17.60	Max Shank	Then we would all like you.
11:25.32	mikebledsoe	I Mean if you date if you're with someone that a lot of people want to be with that does raise your status I've witnessed this I've I've had that experience.
11:30.10	Max Shank	You get a lot of fifth bumps from strangers. Um, you like my man get look at hit him.
11:39.95	mikebledsoe	Actually I was like I had that experience forty 8 hours ago or you know 36 hours Saturday night I was out. Yeah, my my girlfriend gets up from the table. He gives me a fist bump like yeah and.
11:49.20	Max Shank	Right? You automatically get street cred and why is that it's because women are Judgmental. That's I think that's the word you are looking for is women are very Judgmental now before before I'm crucified. Let me qualify that with that's just.
11:59.81	mikebledsoe	I.
12:08.42	Max Shank	The way of animals generally Speaking. We do a little dance show you our pretty feathers and we're like hey look at this nest I Made what do you think and you're like they're taking notes like okay, he's got a 8 out of 10 on nest building. Nice flowers. Nice feathers I like your bird song. Okay I'll accept your your dna we can name so that's but that's the same word. That's the same thing but but.
12:31.10	mikebledsoe	Yeah, it well they have ah they have discernment. For instance, my my girlfriend she is yeah similar I think Judgment judgment carries. Ah to me that if we're getting in the semantics as we do. Ah ah.
12:46.57	Max Shank	We have to.
12:50.19	mikebledsoe	Judgment comes with it a making wrong a it. It becomes so um, a moral a moral issue whereas something may not be good enough for this specific thing but it doesn't make you a bad person for instance like I'm not in ah I'm not in ah to blonde women. It's not.
12:53.53	Max Shank	Um, yeah, pass or Fail. Um. Um, so I feel like yeah.
13:09.86	mikebledsoe	Because blonde women are are bad. It's just because it's not my I discern against that for what that's a poor example I should probably pick something that's more of like a behavior trait and a look but women are discerning Well I say that I say that because my girlfriend is way more discerning than I am.
13:14.14	Max Shank	Right? I think I think discern. Yeah I think discernment is a good word. They discriminate. Women are way more discerning than men are generally speaking I don't think that I'm telling any tales out of school with that comment I think most of the things totally but wouldn't you say that most of the crazy things that guys do are.
13:28.50	mikebledsoe	And social situations.
13:33.17	mikebledsoe	Well this is this is where being being with a woman and listening to her is a superpower keeps me out of lot of trouble.
13:45.13	Max Shank	Mostly to attract women I mean nobody yeah no, that's what I'm saying nobody's this is like the core of the thing for all the fell is listening I mean the whole reason. Ah, you try to get 6 pack abs is because you want some lady to go oh look at him I like that whole reason you buy.
13:45.96	mikebledsoe	Almost everything.
14:04.89	Max Shank	A crazy fancy car is to you know, convince or Persuade or appear to a potential mate as if you are, you're qualified. You meet the parameters for like yeah I'll get with that guy. Otherwise why would you be getting fist bumps. And it's weird because guys are usually valued on what they can provide and girls are usually valued on what they are.
14:32.52	mikebledsoe	I like to look at it as men are are valued for ah hold value for success and women hold value for Beauty is is what I've typically noticed which is similar to what you're saying. But.
14:49.44	Max Shank	Yeah.
14:52.42	mikebledsoe	But I think those are the primary things that people are like men are judging women on Beauty and that's why you see so many old rich dudes with with young hot girls. It doesn't go the other way around. Yeah yeah, so it's um, you know for young men out there.
14:55.60	Max Shank	Here.
15:01.81	Max Shank	It's because it's because wealth compounds and Beauty deteriorates.
15:11.63	mikebledsoe	It might be a little rough. Um, but I don't think it has to I Just think it it tends to be.
15:13.78	Max Shank	I I don't think so I think if you have I think it's probably the best time to just be a little bit courageous because I would say that by and large men are becoming very weak very fragile. Emotionally. And if you're just willing to have the courage to ask for what you want and ask ladies out and be that male masculine Archetype it. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel I think.
15:47.54	mikebledsoe	It it really is when I was living in San diego um I was living in a part of town where it was a very like just had a feminine essence. You actually you live there so you know, um, but I'm taught. Yeah.
16:00.51	Max Shank	I Do I live in a very feminine place.
16:05.61	mikebledsoe	It's ah ensonnitos california very feminine. It's very laid back easy going a lot of the men there I think max max and I were probably 2 of the 2 out of maybe five masculine men in the whole town which does which. I wonder how many guys in Nsonitas are listening to this show which does make it feel like shooting fish in a barrel because I know I know for you I I imagine it's fairly easy to find good looking women and I know I definitely had that experience when I lived there. Um, and it was easier there than say awesome texas where there's a lot of there's a lot more bravado here. There's more masculinity here. So if you're going to out masculine another dude like you know you better have 5 million in your bank account in a and a fast car. Yeah.
16:57.78	Max Shank	Just got back from a bull riding competition. You got a 10 pound belt buckle that sort of thing.
17:03.67	mikebledsoe	Yeah, you need guns and trucks and land. These are the things and big houses. But ah yeah, it's different. So like if you just have if you just and and embody that masculine energy like you're saying.
17:09.60	Max Shank	Right? It's totally different thing I think that.
17:21.51	mikebledsoe	Most of society has gotten soft and so if you're able if you're if you're a stronger not just physically stronger. But you're emotionally strong Mentally, you're developed. You're if you're developed in these ways in a in a masculine way. Yeah, women will come flocking. It'll be hard to keep them away.
17:41.38	Max Shank	Um, well and I think the the biggest thing in my opinion is ah approaching it from an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity mindset like if you ask a lady out and she says no and you get emotionally crushed to the point that you don't ask any more ladies out. That's not good if you get into any relationship at all just because you're afraid you won't be able to find anyone else who likes you. That's not going to work at all That's going to be a scarcity mindset too and I think the same thing happens with guys. Staying in relationships is because they are living in a scarcity mindset where they're like oh I'll I'll never find anyone else and so you have to become resilient to the word. No. Because it's not just about getting every lady to say Yes, it's about having your request be like a filter so you find someone who resonates with you and I'm talking more about like who you actually want to spend time with than just sex I don't think. I Don't think it's too valuable for for us to just like teach people how to like hook up with random people at the bar I think that's simple and straightforward enough.
19:03.51	mikebledsoe	Yeah, and with all the apps out there now I think it's pretty easy and if you can write some good copy on your tinder account I think you'll be just fine. Yeah.
19:11.58	Max Shank	Right? Just buy a puppy and be rich and you're be fine.
19:19.63	mikebledsoe	Ah, yeah, so being in a satisfying relationship. That's interesting. 1 thing I want to cover that I'd like to address here is ah and if there's any ladies left by this point that this would be. They're gonna love hearing it but the way I the way I look at it is women pretty much.
19:32.87	Max Shank	They're gone.
19:38.47	mikebledsoe	Drive We We already said this drive all male behavior like women are in charge when women start complaining that that men are in charge home going. You lost you don't you don't see what's going on here men make money because. Want to attract women all these things but I think it comes From. It's an evolutionary thing where you know it used to be the biggest strongest guy was the 1 who got the woman and it was the you know got to where it they you started being judged on your intellect and I think that.
20:03.98	Max Shank	Um, a.
20:15.19	mikebledsoe	That's there's a big argument for that's what's driven the evolution of consciousness is the more you can develop your intellect as a man the more more valuable you'll become and the more status you'll have So it's I think so I think so but but.
20:26.94	Max Shank	Um, is it because you can provide more though I think so too.
20:34.27	mikebledsoe	And which way can you provide big strong can kill shit protect or do the same exact thing because you're you're loaded with a bunch of money and and you know how to use it.
20:43.26	Max Shank	Way more. The latter nowadays you know like your your martial arts capacity is like the last thing on most ladies minds number 1
20:48.26	mikebledsoe	Nowadays. Yeah, that's where we got.
20:59.31	Max Shank	A guy with 20 years of martial arts experience will lose to a guy with 1 day of firearms experience. So there's almost no point in being big and strong from a self-defense standpoint whatsoever and the likelihood of any physical violence is so low you can create way more. Force and power you have more power just being able to write a check and being able to use language. Well.
21:22.75	mikebledsoe	Yeah, people want to get along people deep down they they avoid conflict most so I I don't mind conflict I I find it fun. It's like a little bit of.
21:38.47	Max Shank	I disagree on you're wrong.
21:41.52	mikebledsoe	I fuck with it a bit and I noticed I noticed that a lot of people there. A lot of people are not that way. Ah y'all start I'll step into a conflict and people fold really quick. Um, and I'd I'd say I run into ten percent of people out there. Okay, with conflict other people.
21:53.49	Max Shank	The.
22:01.39	mikebledsoe	They they just want to avoid it at all costs I think I think you're right like it's it's safety in 2021 physical safety. It's pretty. You know, not saying that violence can't happen but have a gun there. You go no.
22:13.14	Max Shank	Yeah, it's rare. Yeah, you don't need to be like super buff. Most ladies don't care because that has changed right? The aesthetic over time for women has changed the desirability of men has totally changed.
22:29.29	mikebledsoe	Yeah, they like skinny guys now like being skinny is in which was when I was a kid that was the last thing you wanted to be. Yeah.
22:38.14	Max Shank	Not no, you were so it was called Scrawny back Then. And and ladies I mean it used to be. They were supposed to be plump like Victorian Era type of thing and then we had some stuff happen a little thicker well and then it.
22:52.92	mikebledsoe	Ah, well up until Marilyn Monroe Marilyn Monroe was she's a thick woman and then.
23:05.25	Max Shank	Swung back around to like the supermodel phase of the Ninety s where you have 6 with tall women who weigh 1 hundred pounds and you're like oh my god like it looks like skeletor right? and then now I think it's kind of circled back around to the thick ladies.
23:13.69	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:20.56	mikebledsoe	Yeah I'm loving that I yeah I need a little I don't like him too skinny I tried I tried the 2 skinny ones didn't wasn't as pleasurable. Be honest, got to try it all out. Yeah yeah.
23:33.22	Max Shank	You got to find out what you like you got to find out what you like that's it. Um, it does sort of circle us back to if you're ready to talk about how to choose the right person I mean we can.
23:40.36	mikebledsoe	Take a 1 more little meat on her bones. You know.
23:48.20	mikebledsoe	Oh yeah, we should? Yeah, we we just.
23:52.64	Max Shank	We could just talk about what ah physical traits we like in ladies but just watch all the female listeners just slowly go away if you're a lady and you made it past me saying women are judgmental then I so.
23:57.74	mikebledsoe	Ah, all right, all right? Ah I'll let you.
24:11.92	Max Shank	really support that thank you that's really nice ah yeah thank you for the support. Ah so it comes back to that scarcity idea. It's possible to just date 1 lady and have her be the 1 and.
24:13.10	mikebledsoe	Thank you for the support ladies. Yeah.
24:31.12	Max Shank	Get married and have a family would you say that's a little bit risky.
24:36.41	mikebledsoe	Boy it doesn't sound like you're diversifying your portfolio seems like an all eggs in 1 basket.
24:40.48	Max Shank	well well I mean all your eggs in 1 basket is more like the argument for being polyamorous I just mean like sampling sampling different personality types.
24:54.97	mikebledsoe	Ah, ah before you before you go into a marriage.
24:59.85	Max Shank	Yeah, because I think having ah a relationship can be 1 of the best things ever or possibly the worst thing ever. That's why I think it's such a good topic because there's that saying behind every ah.
25:09.64	mikebledsoe	Well.
25:16.37	Max Shank	Great man is a strong woman I'm guessing a woman came up with that quote had to have been right? but but also behind every like broken suicidal man is 1 or many women who made his life miserable now it's probably his own fault. But I'm saying is.
25:30.31	mikebledsoe	Yeah.
25:35.78	Max Shank	Both ways. Male female. A relationship can be like a crazy boost that defies the laws of physics or it can be ah like a poison that you take every day.
25:50.68	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, totally agree.
25:52.60	Max Shank	I mean I've seen it I've seen it both ways and how can you choose? Well if you don't interact with multiple types of person.
26:04.80	mikebledsoe	Well this is this is a really big challenge because I don't think people really appreciate how long we as human beings have been choosing our marriage partners. It's like 100 years old I think prior. The further back you go the more arranged marriages you're going to see and americans I think have probably been on the cutting edge of choosing your your mate ah to the rest of the world. Ah, and ah the wealthy. You know I think kept it around longer than the poor I think the poor were more into choosing than the wealthy the wealthy were you know is all part about it was playing a role in joining together families. And yeah, political and financial. So so this idea of you choosing a mate.
26:51.95	Max Shank	It's poor political.
27:01.43	mikebledsoe	Is is very very interesting because it's it's new it choosing your mate is new and then not only that the amount of choices I went on bumble and it's it's overwhelming I mean I I would sit there and I could swipe through. Ah, hundred women in five minutes and you know rewind a hundred years or further back ago and that might have been how many women you've ever met in the first twenty years of your life. You know you may have met your.
27:33.60	Max Shank	That there are times where you wouldn't meet a hundred women who weren't your family members.
27:39.00	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, and so like this idea that we now get to choose a mate and previously it was like you know what you get the the cards you were dealt. It's kind of like your looks right? It's like oh your face looks like that you're stuck with that rest of your life. Think that's how ah marriage was probably seen back then is yeah, you're just going to marry this person or you know you get out of these 3 women. You're probably going to you know, end up with 1 of them might as well start courting and so I only bring that up because. You know if we look at the generations if I look at all right? My dad definitely picked my mom and they met from different sides of the country. Um, they came together in 1 spot but were were nowhere near each other they they had a lot of options but then I look at my my dad's dad grew up in a town of four hundred. my dad grew up in a town of four Hundred he's like fortunate like he was on that cusp of he left his hometown in his late teens for adventure and found my mom now my grandfather was a town of.
28:48.69	Max Shank	I.
28:54.18	mikebledsoe	400 and married a woman from that talent at 400 right so he probably his the amount of choices he had was probably you know a dozen you know.
28:55.18	Max Shank	Ah.
29:05.72	Max Shank	It's probably a lot more clearly defined gender roles within a marriage at that time too though.
29:09.96	mikebledsoe	That as well and if you look back at his father who the fuck knows like they they had such so I only I bring all that up to to create this context and give ourselves a little bit of grace for. If we're if we seem like we're not not max and I I mean we can give us grace too but give yourself grace if you're fumbling around in relationships a bit because most of the things that are happening in relationship are new choosing a mate for yourself. That's new without having parents heavily. Ah.
29:49.53	mikebledsoe	Influencing it. So yeah I just bring that up because give ourselves some grace and we're all learning and I think it's a skill that you're gonna have to get even better at in the future because choice is only going up.
30:01.35	Max Shank	Well I think that is a really good point that you are always learning and so people change within the course of a relationship and that relates to what we're talking about with arranged marriages like right now. I'm pretty sure you could fact check me on this I'm pretty sure that right now it's still common plaque common practice in some parts of india to marry off your 12 year old daughter to a 30 year old dub.
30:30.61	mikebledsoe	Yeah, was it up? Well yeah I think so well I saw a news story Yesterday a girl in Afghanistan was a 12 year old girl was sold for two thousand dollars in afghanistan and you know it's probably propaganda from cnn basically. Trying to make the taliban look like a bunch of dicks which they probably are a bunch of dicks. But um, anyways I don't think that's specific to the taliban I think there's just a bunch of dudes out there a bunch of dicks. But ah.
30:49.93	Max Shank	That seems really cheap.
31:01.26	Max Shank	Well I think that's ah sort of what we're talking about you know? ah a lady has that intrinsic value. You couldn't sell like a boy for that price. Probably.
31:17.43	mikebledsoe	Yeah, women are gonna be more expensive are gonna cost more has more value there. So.
31:24.80	Max Shank	So okay, we're into arranged marriages which is like hey this is just how it is and there was no concept of divorce and then you know the story of King James King James bible.
31:42.34	mikebledsoe	Nah. Thanks! So yeah, please tell it? yeah.
31:42.88	Max Shank	1 of my favorite stories ever he but you know he's a he's Good. Ah Catholic guy I Want to say Catholic Christian something like that he was He was hip with the bible and then he was married to this lady. He's like fuck I got to get out of this thing and they're like sorry church doctrine says no go and he's like we're gonna have to rewrite this book and so and so they did now you have the the King James bible which is like yeah divorce is okay Now. And I think that's hilarious I think that it's okay to play it either way. It's okay to want to stick it out and try to make it work and it's also okay to be thankful that for the time that you had with somebody.
32:21.67	mikebledsoe	To what.
32:36.62	Max Shank	And and move on with your life I think it's I think it's important to understand that people do grow in different ways. So this whole idea of till death to us part is like a really good idea. It. It seems meaningful but also I mean people do. Change people go through midlife crisis people go through just constant evolution and people grow differently sometimes sometimes you grow the same get intertwined and sometimes you grow in polar opposite directions and you have nothing left in common anymore.
33:08.22	mikebledsoe	Yeah I'll throw in my ah I'll throw in a vulnerable share of the day. So the ah so I was made for 9 years huh
33:19.90	Max Shank	You're bisexual. What's that huh.
33:25.50	mikebledsoe	I was married for 9 years and so greedy bunch of bastards just pick aside. Um so I'm actually really jealous of of people can go both ways. Oh yeah.
33:30.17	Max Shank	Bisexual is just greedy so greedy double dipping not cool man.
33:43.57	Max Shank	Um, yeah, it's greedy. It's amazing. Yeah.
33:45.22	mikebledsoe	Yeah, they have double the opportunity. Yeah so I was made for 9 years and ah, you know we we so parted ways about 2 and a half years ago now. Um. Ah, when when I got married I don't think she's gonna listen to this I'll I'll over share a bit but we'll see yeah, ah, when we were first married like.
34:10.80	Max Shank	This will be the first 1 She listens to no question.
34:21.83	mikebledsoe	We were a certain type of person I I know ah she was full of Insecurity I was full of Insecurity I was ah fairly I was very stressed out all the time I was ah yeah I was. I was fearful around relationships specifically I had a scarcity mentality I you know I I look back and and you know I made some decisions based on the wrong reasons and the reason I did that is because nobody can I never heard anyone tell me the right reasons you would want to be married.
34:57.87	Max Shank	And.
34:59.60	mikebledsoe	Like I I remember growing up in church and hearing things but like now that I'm forty was married for 9 years and I'm in ah, a really ah relationship I'm stoked about for a year and a half and now I can see I can see things so much clearly now and. And the advice that I would give somebody who's 25 or what was I was 27 when I got married twenty eight the advice I would give that person is no 1 gave me the advice I would give me now and but so some of it has to do with. Who you're surrounding yourself with and this before podcast before I get all enlightening shit. But ah so so enlightened. Yeah, yeah, that's usually it. Ah so ah.
35:42.46	Max Shank	So enlightened. That's what all the enlightened people say I'm I'm just so enlightened.
35:56.82	mikebledsoe	So I look back and go Wow! It's just a lot of core wounding. There's like a lot of lot of emotional wounds. A lot of insecurity that was driving a lot of the decisions during that time which made us a perfect couple we were we were meant to be together. We matched lock and key.
36:08.73	Max Shank	You matched Harm eyes. Yeah.
36:14.25	mikebledsoe	Yeah, like she she had like the ways in which I showed up for her was probably how she wished her dad would show up for her and and so on and so forth and so over the years the relationship it was 1 of those things where as we. Healed a lot of those wounds and didn't have the same insecurities popping up and and a lot of that just didn't matter anymore. You know, certain things didn't bother me anymore and I and I was open to more of my own desires versus what I was scared of losing and. During that time. We also improved our communication skills. We went to workshops and improved how to communicate I attended relationship workshops I did a lot of a lot of my personal development was how to improve relationships in general and so while. While I was in a relationship that what bound us together began to dissolve I also was getting better at relationships. So it was. It was like the relationship would get hard and then would get easier and so I was in this I was in this relationship I was like oh that is really hard. Don't know if I can make it.
37:15.17	Max Shank	Live.
37:30.00	mikebledsoe	And then I learned some way new way of relating and I changed something about myself and then like oh now we're jam and this is great and then we'd hit another hard stop and it really I got to the point where I go oh that that the core thing that has been binding us together for so long that's gone and.
37:45.92	Max Shank	Ah.
37:48.77	mikebledsoe	Now it's about just trying to make this relationship work because we've been in it for so long and so yeah, yeah, and um, you know and when I when I left that relationship there. It took me.
37:54.23	Max Shank	Sunk cost policy.
38:07.79	mikebledsoe	It's been 2 and a half years it has not been that long for a nine year relationship 2 and a half years is not that long. So I still It's like every day that goes by I experience this less. It's almost nothing. It's probably a few times a week at this point, there's this guilt that may come up it. It. Kind of like this question comes up with could I have done something differently or could I have been a different way or I see myself in my current relationship where I'm doing things for her that my ex wanted me to do for her but I just didn't do.
38:39.77	Max Shank	Um.
38:43.87	mikebledsoe	Or I was for for some reason I was incapable in that moment and even though I tried and now I'm witnessing myself. Do it with ease and then I feel a little bit of guilt like oh why is it that I can do this so easily now it's so difficult then um, and so it's It's a very interesting thing to have.
38:50.94	Max Shank	Yeah, yeah.
39:02.44	Max Shank	That's a big deal.
39:03.58	mikebledsoe	Been and yeah, been in a nine year relationship and be able to look at it and go oh yeah, and and I'm very fortunate because when I left the relationship. You know there was there was a good year where a little over a year we were working on it before we split like we was we we knew that we this was a possibility.
39:16.11	Max Shank	Ah.
39:22.73	mikebledsoe	And ah yeah, what I what I made sure of when I loved that relationship is I didn't want to bring any of the bullshit into the next relationship or go you know what I need to make sure that I'm I like clean here I don't want. Ah.
39:33.12	Max Shank	Whatever.
39:42.38	mikebledsoe	Even though we we still ended up splitting I had to make sure that it wasn't me. It wasn't like something that was 1 hundred percent me that was that was the problem because I knew that that would just show up in the next relationship and I don't want to do that to somebody else and so ah so i. Um, in my my experience I largely did that and then splitting up I had a year where I really focused on myself and I did date a little bit but man a lot of lessons there too.
40:12.71	Max Shank	Yeah I think that guilt that you were talking about is really um, it's nice that you feel comfortable sharing that I've definitely felt that myself. Basically every relationship I've ever been in is I Always think what I could have done differently whether it's a.
40:27.76	mikebledsoe	Um, a.
40:31.51	Max Shank	Business relationship or romantic relationship. Ah professional project was just telling someone the other day that as soon as I finish teaching a course I think of like 10 things I wish I had done different as soon as I finished launching a product I'm like oh God should have done this this and this different as soon as the relationships. And I'm like oh man I could have done this this and this and you you got to be kind to yourself and recognize that you're doing the best you can with what you got based on how you think and feel at the time you know and so it's important not to drag any of the Bs along with you.
40:52.23	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah.
41:03.28	mikebledsoe	Yeah, so.
41:10.22	Max Shank	But you still want to remember those lessons So I'm really appreciative of all the relationships that I have had and I try to keep the lessons that I've learned and I try to focus on the things that I did like because then you also have a good frame of reference. For whatever relationship you're in now and you know you don't want to get into like comparison syndrome or something like that. But it's good to know. Um what you like and what you don't like and get comfortable drawing drawing boundaries and saying this is what I'm willing to um trade off or sacrifice. For what I'm willing to give what I'm willing to get out of a relationship. What I'm looking for in a relationship and I think that maybe the most important thing to realize is if you can't say no then you're basically a slave like if you can't say. You can't say no to something then you're you'll just be eroded over Time. So You're not really yourself.
42:10.41	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, that.
42:26.23	mikebledsoe	I'll find the thought.
42:38.44	Max Shank	Yeah I think it's natural to judge ourselves especially when a relationship ends any anytime something finishes I think it's normal to say like oh what could I have done different. It's also probably common to viciously attack the character of the other person and say it's all their fault.
42:48.71	mikebledsoe	Well probably.
42:56.90	mikebledsoe	I Think that's the most common. Yeah, that's more common than yeah I mean's a mix of both I'm sure but you know we we can judge our previous self harshly because we've learned the lesson now we didn't know then where we didn't know it well enough then.
42:57.47	Max Shank	So you don't want to get into that trap either.
43:09.21	Max Shank	Yeah.
43:14.10	mikebledsoe	To take action on it or you didn't know how to do it. But after the fact you look back and go I know how to do that and then that's another reason to to give yourself a little bit of grace but you were digging into boundaries and um, yeah, the boundaries has been 1 of the most important things. Oh yeah, what I would that remind me of. Is well we can talk about boundaries later. But what I want to dig in here based on what you were just saying is when I said hey I want to I want to reengage with my dating life again and which I mean in my first marriage I was also dating other women.
43:45.80	Max Shank	The.
43:52.29	mikebledsoe	It was completely open. We were completely transparent about it. It was so it wasn't like I had gotten back up now the way I approached dating was very different. It felt very different from you know when I was married it was just like okay I'm gonna go have fun with this person when I was single it was like.
44:02.75	Max Shank	The.
44:11.38	mikebledsoe	I Had this experience of oh this could be something more and so it's like the pressure went up on it to a degree where which was surprising to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was actually interesting to watch myself. Ah, yeah, Wow I actually desire to be in a relationship.
44:17.56	Max Shank	Right before it was a play date before it was a play date Now you're playing for keeps. Basically.
44:29.37	Max Shank	Ah.
44:31.27	mikebledsoe	Ah, and so ah, what I did was I I was sitting with my coach at the time he's actually in Encinitas and he says to me. Ah well,, you're very interested in women even though you're you're newly divorced and. All that you seem to attract women pretty easily and you like being in a relationship you like to be with women like yeah, that's all Accurate. He goes well I would write down what it is you want in a woman and because basically. I was working with him during you know all that leading up to my divorce and afterwards and what he saw was when you're when you're breaking away from a relationship. It is very difficult to see what it is. You do want you? you primarily see all the things you don't want or what you don't like.
45:25.87	Max Shank	The.
45:27.76	mikebledsoe	Like I want out of this I don't want this anymore and so it was I remember it was very hard for me to shift the gears into focusing on what I did want from a woman or maybe not from her but ah of a woman versus what I didn't want. And the list of didn't was so you can translate this the the list of don't wants can really inform you your do wants you can make all your list of like I don't want this this and this and go what's the opposite of that. So um, that's how I started I started I was like you know what? I don't want all this shit.
45:59.55	Max Shank	10
46:06.70	mikebledsoe	So I do want this and what I did was I swung really hard and I went to the other side of the spectrum and and then dated a woman who was the opposite of my ex and in a lot of ways. Um, and.
46:19.40	Max Shank	And.
46:23.69	mikebledsoe	And my coach even I remember got a chuckle at it's like dude you you just went the other direction hard like how's that going I'm like I'm loving it and then crash and burn is like no I don't love that and I realized that there were a lot of traits that I thought were valuable and this is going back to your your point early on which is.
46:27.61	Max Shank	No.
46:42.76	mikebledsoe	Good to try out a lot of different types of people when dating and looking at different. You know what type of personality traits all this stuff. There was a lot of things that I imagined that I desired. But for instance I desired a woman that was ah like financially independent I wasn't going to need to take care of them all this kind of stuff. So I ended up dating a woman who made like 2 to 3 times the amount of money I was making and it was It was really exciting I was like oh cool like I don't have to cover everything and she doesn't mind this and that and I get to go have lavish experiences and.
47:14.42	Max Shank	And.
47:19.66	mikebledsoe	Fivestar hotels and all this shit Ca Bana Boy Mike Yeah, so and I make good money so like ah for her to make triple like she's banking. She's you know? and so I but then I was like oh the emotional availability of this person is just nothing.
47:21.45	Max Shank	Cabana Boy mike.
47:39.10	mikebledsoe	And I was like oh I I didn't have that written down because it was just a like to me I think it was probably a given but I wasn't focused on it consciously so I wasn't choosing it. So then I go you know what I don't care. She doesn't have to be filthy rich she ah because I actually put down the intention I Want to date someone who makes more money to me.
47:44.38	Max Shank	And.
47:56.93	Max Shank	I Thought that was gonna be your advice for the listeners is just marry a rich girl. Ah.
47:59.50	mikebledsoe	And. Um, yeah, well, you know if she's self-made that could be a good thing if she's not good luck. Um, because I've I over the years I I dated some ah some rich girls when I was younger I was like in my teens but ah what a pain. So what I did was I kept refining my list I kept refining and writing down like what I wanted in a woman and then I got to a point where well I then went celibate for seven months. The first hundred days was on purpose and then. The rest of the time I was sell that was due to covid. So I basically I was gonna end my Ninety my hundred day was gonna be like the beginning of March like I was like about to get back in the game covid hit and then so I had to wait another few months to get back in. But um, yeah, during that time lot of reflection.
48:41.90	Max Shank	And.
48:49.40	Max Shank	Avenue. Ah.
48:59.36	mikebledsoe	And so when I did meet the person I'm with now she really does check all the boxes and I I think it is part of it is I did the work of finding Out. What is it that I really want somebody and things that I thought were valuable like. Aren't as bad but like I I value emotional development over money for sure.
49:26.64	Max Shank	It's really valuable to write those things down and what's interesting is I've done the same thing. The list of things that you want is also the best way you can show up in a relationship.
49:39.25	mikebledsoe	Show like.
49:42.90	Max Shank	Like it just turns right back on you, you're like dammit This is like how I can best be in a relationship too. You know it's not just like ah okay, ah, pretty lady here's a list of things I want from you and she's like great. She hands you the list back and's like yeah I want that too and you're like fuck.
49:46.47	mikebledsoe	Yeah.
49:59.41	mikebledsoe	I Well I think there's I think there's some I think that's partly true. Ah, you know, kind of like the treat ah treat others the way you want to be treated. Um, but really the.
50:02.41	Max Shank	Ah, yeah.
50:13.33	Max Shank	Oh I don't think that's true. Yeah.
50:16.51	mikebledsoe	Yeah, you want to treat people the way they want to be treated so like in a relationship that probably is the ways in which you could show up better but also be on the lookout for what is it they want and how they like for me I I could I could do with less touch and my relationship like.
50:33.54	Max Shank	Well.
50:36.37	mikebledsoe	Um I I love touch I'm a high touch person but my girlfriend's even more so so like she has to remind me like are you gonna touch me I'm like oh okay, yeah, and I appreciate the reminder. But if I touched her as much as I wanted to be touched. She would not be satisfied.
50:41.16	Max Shank	Um. Right.
50:52.68	Max Shank	As long as you're both willing to communicate that then it can work out. Okay, and as long as you understand what's going on there then it's okay, but like I think shying away from direct Crystal clear communication.
50:57.13	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah.
51:11.60	Max Shank	Is maybe perceived as not very sexy sometimes but also it's the main reason that people quietly suffer in a relationship they're like in their head I'm not getting what I want but I'm just gonna I'm just gonna keep things really smooth and it's like no, that's not.
51:15.48	mikebledsoe	It.
51:30.66	Max Shank	That's not going to work Meanwhile if you have like 2 gay guys and they're both tops. There's no confusion there because no 1 is going to be happy in that situation. You need a top and you need a bottom and you know you understand what I'm saying like they're they're not going to. Well.
51:45.83	mikebledsoe	I get it I do it I know how I know how gay people do it? yeah.
51:50.23	Max Shank	I've met a lot. Ah I've met a lot of gay guys. Um, yeah, what? Ah what a fun bunch of fellows. Um, but yeah, there's no, there's no mincing words there is what I've noticed. It's like I am ah I am a top I am a bottom. Ah great.
52:01.62	mikebledsoe	Is what it's what.
52:09.87	Max Shank	Um, a bottom. It's not going to work. There's no,, There's no compatibility there and the same thing is true with asking for what you want out of a relationship and being clear on what the expectations are and I think of a relationship. Ah, like a romantic 1 is really a lot more like ah, a business partnership than anything Else. You are building a life together and you need to have more or less an operating agreement just as just like you would need in any other business like. You know I'll get the food and you cook the food and you do this and I'll do this and this and you know we have our responsibilities So There's no confusion about who's responsible for what and there's none of that um lack of clarity that can make people start to. Quietly Harbor resentment which is a huge problem. So if you don't ask for what you want and you get resentful. That's on you.
53:13.35	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah I think for a lot of people. They don't even know what they want so they I I yeah.
53:20.32	Max Shank	Yeah, we'll shoot. Don't most people choose partners just based on how pretty they look by the way I think that if you prioritize that above everything else, You're probably going to have. Ah, relationship that is really challenging at some point.
53:41.43	mikebledsoe	I've never seen anyone who valued that over everything else have a ah long happy relationship.
53:46.59	Max Shank	Well because a relationship you know, even if you're doing a lot of sex. It's still like four percent of your day. It's an ah, an hour is four percent. The rest of the the rest of the time there's got to be other things that keep you interested.
54:02.63	mikebledsoe	Yeah, I'm not remembering who who told me this but ah, probably some relationship guru. Ah and which is sex is there to bridge the gap so that you have time to build the.
54:05.28	Max Shank	You know what.
54:09.27	Max Shank	Um, and.
54:21.29	mikebledsoe	Foundation of the relationship and if you make sex the foundation of the relationship. It's not going to last because like I said the beginning of the show. The first six months of relationship you're on drugs you're high. You're not, you're not thinking straight your hormones and.
54:22.23	Max Shank	Are.
54:29.10	Max Shank	Yeah, right? no.
54:40.77	mikebledsoe	Neurotransmitters are firing very differently than they will be in a year from now. Ah when you're relating to the same person so sex is a you know great sex I think for me isn't I need great sex I I will if I if I'm not getting that i. Begin to wander pretty easily. Um I mean I got high sex drive or something.
55:02.50	Max Shank	I Don't think there's anything I don't think there's anything wrong with that I think recognizing that things are changing in a way that you don't like is extremely valuable and it kind of correlates back to another important point which is if you're not. Comfortable by yourself. You probably won't be able to make the right choice for a relationship.
55:29.60	mikebledsoe	That's true. Yeah I the relationship I'm in I was I actually went this whole process where I was because I didn't know what was going to happen with a pandemic I'm like oh maybe I'm single for the rest of my life. Maybe there was a moment where that was like in the first the first month of it.
55:43.40	Max Shank	Oh yeah, what.
55:47.10	mikebledsoe	Was going world seems pretty chaotic I don't know if I'm gonna find a mate anytime soon. It might be a while I might as well enjoy me and without a partner. Um, yeah, what was I saying before that feel like we jumped tracks I was on to go back.
55:51.70	Max Shank	Um, ah.
56:05.70	mikebledsoe	Um, and my memory is not go ahead.
56:07.47	Max Shank	What you're the you you were talking about that. Um, you have a certain level of touch desire. Your lady has a slightly higher 1 Great sex is important to you but it's not the only thing you said sex is the bridge to build the foundation of other stuff.
56:21.71	mikebledsoe	Oh yeah, yeah, the. But yeah, the set sex will hold 2 people together long enough to build that foundation. But if you don't spend time building the other aspects of your relationship aligning your boundaries aligning your values your vision of the future together. If. You don't take care of that in the first six months you probably won't it probably won't last and if you do make the choice to stay in a relationship and you don't have those things I would I would challenge you to look at whether you're with that person out of insecurity versus.
56:56.80	Max Shank	Um, it's really more like codependence and you're not willing to cut your losses even though it's the right choice I mean that is 1 of the most common fallacies in relationships is the sunk cost fallacies. Well I've been with this person it. So I'll stay with this person and it's like.
56:58.77	mikebledsoe	Out of true desire.
57:04.43	mikebledsoe	Right.
57:13.18	mikebledsoe	In here.
57:16.80	Max Shank	No, it's the same as ah, owning stock or owning possessions. It's not what I keep this. It's would I buy this today brand new again and if the answer is no then like what are you doing like yeah.
57:32.20	mikebledsoe	That's.
57:36.79	Max Shank	Oh man, it really is That's why I was so interested to talk about this and it's funny how you and I were just both thinking about the same thing because the whole concept of I know we both just were like how about relationships because it is I think the.
57:44.37	mikebledsoe	If we didn't know what we were gonna talk about 2 hours ago. You know.
57:56.24	Max Shank	The number 1 greatest thing ever is having ah like a loving romantic relationship or even just loving relationships in general and the worst thing is to have a relationship that is ah the source of Resentment. You know the source of settling for for less and it it can be really really good or really, really Awful. So It's probably the most important choice to make.
58:18.67	mikebledsoe	Yeah I think.
58:27.21	mikebledsoe	I would say there was a there was a ah early my relate. You know my previous relationship there was I would work to get away I would I was always wanting to travel you know business conference signed me up. You know, just a little bit of relief here and there.
58:39.61	Max Shank	The.
58:45.81	mikebledsoe	And but now I find myself now wanting to like I want to work to provide for the the family like I want to set things up so that we can spend more time together and when we travel apart.
59:01.59	Max Shank	Yeah, perfect.
59:03.60	mikebledsoe	Um, like I miss her and like it's it's it's oh I wish she could be with me instead of you know, whatever so and she actually has been traveling more than me which is ah that's a first as well is well that's not the first time I've been in relationship where they they were traveling more but it's ah.
59:12.68	Max Shank	And.
59:21.36	mikebledsoe	In a relationship that's lasted this long being with somebody who travels as much as she does is like okay.
59:25.45	Max Shank	So when you were a little younger you were traveling a lot and not ah not getting too attached kind of so it's really funny like because you know I traveled a ton for work and I think I also.
59:32.23	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, okay.
59:44.60	Max Shank	Had this idea that if I was desirable to women then that was the best thing so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship I would just want to be like coveted which sounds pretty like twisted I guess but that's just the way I was so I wouldn't even I wouldn't even date people who lived close to me they had to. Live like really far away so it was like totally clear like hey we're just we're just having fun. There's like nothing to because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I also thought that my worth as a person was directly correlated. Whether. As to whether as to how I was judged by women if I was desirable isn't that funny.
01:00:24.38	mikebledsoe	Um, yeah, have a similar experience which is ah I was married and then like I just I wanted to be seen as desirable. So I had to walk I know a party with 2 women on my arms like instead of just 1 ne's not enough.
01:00:37.90	Max Shank	Yeah, right.
01:00:41.63	mikebledsoe	Have 2 I got to show that I got to show everybody that I'm desirable I'm good enough.
01:00:44.70	Max Shank	And that's what I would come in with 3 and that's when I would come in with 3 because that meant I was 1 lady better than you.
01:00:54.89	mikebledsoe	I wish that scene actually did go down like I walk in with 2 I'm like you walk in with 3 like fuck man. He beat me again.
01:00:56.94	Max Shank	It's like that would have been. Then Jay-z walks in with 21 of them is beyonce and we're just like I guess he wins it's It's funny. Ah, how direct that message is. Like popular culture and especially music like it's all about like cars and planes and hoes and that's like the value of a man is like how many hose he has poolside and his mansion and what kind of plane.
01:01:26.72	mikebledsoe	Yeah.
01:01:35.10	mikebledsoe	Yeah, is a thing 1 thing occurred to me in this conversation which I'm I'm having a lot of appreciation for myself and that I never thought I'd be as good with women as I am today? Um, um, ah I did become quite the ladies man I can I can work a room. I can pick up women I can ask them out on dates fairly easy. And yeah, when I was younger I was terrified that I would never be attractive or be able to talk to women with confidence. So just conversations allowed me reflect on that. So it's.
01:02:11.79	Max Shank	I think I I did the same thing I put them up on a pedestal like they were some sort of otherworldly creature and they are in a certain sense. It's interesting because what we like about women is that they're different than men. But also what we hate about them.
01:02:12.24	mikebledsoe	Pretty cool.
01:02:31.78	Max Shank	Is the way that they're different from men most of the time. So So it's ah it's interesting. That's what makes relationships. Um fun I think is the differences but it's also what makes them challenging because you can't know what another person's. Life experience is like and you know I think maybe 1 other thought that is important is it's never personal like no 1 Ne's ever personally rejecting you? No 1 Ne's ever personally attacking you no 1 Ne's ever.
01:02:52.23	mikebledsoe	No.
01:03:09.75	Max Shank	Like lashing out at you. They're just in a state where their lizard brain has taken over because they feel afraid or they just want something different, but it's never personal to you as an individual what someone else does and I think that's that's probably pretty hard for.
01:03:23.34	mikebledsoe	So.
01:03:29.74	Max Shank	Most people too believe but it's true.
01:03:31.90	mikebledsoe	Yeah, not taking things personally is huge I think in general but in relationships yeah, that's in romantic relationships if you can master that 1 then that'll that'll help you out I mean my my girlfriend I have gotten into we've had 1 fight.
01:03:49.50	Max Shank	Or.
01:03:50.91	mikebledsoe	Many disagreements but were able to work it out 1 fight where I raised my voice and regretted it but um and quickly mended that is 1 of those where like the the switch got flipped. There's 3 o'clock in the morning you know I'll make up all sorts of excuses why it happened but ah.
01:04:05.98	Max Shank	Here Come the excuses.
01:04:10.57	mikebledsoe	Ah, ah, but now I forgot what I was talking about all the shame came rolling in. Um, yeah, so what was I talking about.
01:04:16.73	Max Shank	Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself for losing control for 1 minute.
01:04:30.30	mikebledsoe	I took nootropics this morning and I think they backfired my memory has been terrible on this show.
01:04:32.87	Max Shank	Oh gosh I am also cutting you off more than usual because I wanted to say a few things today.
01:04:38.86	mikebledsoe	Ah I think it's good I think I think it worked out my lack of memory here. It's perfect. Perfect I hope you got a lot of words in today.
01:04:47.10	Max Shank	yeah yeah I did I got in more than usual, um because that's you know how we assert our dominance in this conversation. Maybe maybe the folks at home can vote on which 1 of us is the dominant 1 in this podcast.
01:04:57.30	mikebledsoe	It's not. It's right? it.
01:05:05.77	mikebledsoe	Ah, we should just be a vote for every show you know who won who won this who won the match. It's like it's ah it's a podcast fight you know, um.
01:05:08.73	Max Shank	Yeah, yeah, who.
01:05:20.70	Max Shank	That's actually 1 of the things I like about our conversations and usually I find this is more true with talking to women as they don't interrupt and steamroll as much and they're better at listening.
01:05:31.84	mikebledsoe	And.
01:05:34.14	Max Shank	And I'm not trying to compare you to women at all I think I also have a more feminine conversational style where I feel comfortable just letting someone talk for a long time but it's very difficult to make any headway in a conversation if you are only talking with people who want to win the conversation.
01:05:51.60	mikebledsoe	Yeah.
01:05:53.91	Max Shank	Right? That's ah, that's a huge um handicap to your development if you don't have conversations with people who are good at listening and also thoughtful in the way that they respond.
01:06:08.15	mikebledsoe	Well the um I did a thousand I've done over 1000 podcast interviews where I've interviewed other people. Yeah, so in a lot of those podcasts for 2 to 3 hours I'd say they're between they range between ninety minutes and and 3 hours.
01:06:13.70	Max Shank	What.
01:06:27.69	mikebledsoe	So 1 of the things I note as 1 of the as something that was huge in my personal development was just doing the interviews just being interested in somebody else in a way that I know the audience would like so.
01:06:37.50	Max Shank	Okay.
01:06:46.53	mikebledsoe	Satisfying some of my own curiosity imagining the curiosity of my audience and making sure that those questions were asked. Um, you know there's a few times I talked over people I was interviewing and I got feedback that was being a dick um, and.
01:07:01.11	Max Shank	Ah.
01:07:05.17	mikebledsoe	I was called names a couple times and they were right? Ah so it's I think it's a matter of reps because I grew up in a home where it was about winning the conversation. There's a lot of yelling over each other and all that.
01:07:20.80	Max Shank	It takes a special kind of confidence though to be silent for a little bit longer I would say it's more valuable in conversations that are off the air like person to person conversations where you're not recording it for some interview. But.
01:07:35.47	mikebledsoe	But in.
01:07:40.28	Max Shank	Taking a pause to really consider what you want to say to that person is crazy valuable and ironically or surprisingly people will listen to you more attentively if you do that rather than just.
01:07:54.88	mikebledsoe	Or yeah.
01:07:59.24	Max Shank	But but but but but but words words, words are so when you're on a podcast. It's tough because part of what you're doing is you're like showcasing what you know right? So you want to be talk talk Talk Talk talk hey like I know about this hey I know about this hey look how smart I am look at all these things I remember like I can say these big fancy words.
01:08:05.11	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah.
01:08:15.96	mikebledsoe	Well that that also reminds me of um how I approach new relationships just not romanticic. But when I meet new people I've noticed this a couple times in the last month where I was in a car with somebody knew somebody I hadn't.
01:08:18.75	Max Shank	Ah, what.
01:08:25.21	Max Shank	Um.
01:08:36.20	mikebledsoe	Spent much time with I'm in a car with them 1 on 1 and I just don't say anything who sit there in silence and see what they do and then it's it. Most people will start small talk like ah so you know the weather.
01:08:41.35	Max Shank	Ah.
01:08:55.14	Max Shank	Because silence is uncomfortable.
01:08:55.27	mikebledsoe	Or my dog or super uncomfortable. So there have been a number of times where I'm with somebody and I'm being silent and then five minutes goes buying the go. Wow! This is really nice like yeah it is and it's like okay we can be friends like it's going to be a lot easier to be friends and. You're just trying to ah if you're feeling so uncomfortable that you have to just say shit. So.
01:09:20.12	Max Shank	You can enjoy a person's presence without words and without a touch either. You can just enjoy that a person is there with you and I think that's a great indicator that that person is comfortable in their own skin.
01:09:36.47	mikebledsoe	Yeah.
01:09:38.59	Max Shank	That they're comfortable around you I think that's a very good point is very telling babbling My ah my girlfriend was hanging out with somebody and she was.
01:09:42.38	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:09:56.97	Max Shank	She she calls me up afterward and she was like she just wouldn't be quiet. She it was just constant constant just spewage of words like any silence would be just crazy uncomfortable and sometimes you don't notice it.
01:10:04.71	mikebledsoe	Yeah, for.
01:10:10.83	mikebledsoe	My ah the.
01:10:16.18	Max Shank	Until you're ah you have the juxtaposition of someone who's very comfortable saying nothing and someone who would be like in physical pain if 5 seconds go by without words being said.
01:10:25.52	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, the damn. My memory really is fucked today.
01:10:35.34	Max Shank	Yeah, you're off today. It's it's all the it's all the shame associated from your checkered past.
01:10:42.97	mikebledsoe	I did just I did bring up about fifty percent of my pain on the in the last hour so
01:10:48.99	Max Shank	You laid it you laid it all out I I was like ah leaning back feeling very freudian I was like oh yes, now Michael telling me about your muzza. I feel like another half hour. We'll dig up every little bit of archeological pain.
01:11:07.47	mikebledsoe	Mark yeah well ah, what you were saying reminded me of ah something mark england from Vocabulary he has this he has this term he calls transcribing and it's when somebody starts telling you about something that happened. And they're just walking you through what happened with no there's no story. It's like and then you know I woke up this morning and they did it and they just like tell you about their day. You're like okay like and there's nothing to talk about.
01:11:28.66	Max Shank	And.
01:11:41.65	Max Shank	Isn't it merk with no purpose though I mean maybe a purpose of just getting attention because it depends how the story is framed right? I mean.
01:11:49.58	mikebledsoe	Well yeah, but it's not a story. It's just ah, it's a listing of things that happened and in chronological order which technically is a story.
01:11:56.67	Max Shank	Well it it. Yeah, it is a story because they're retelling it so that makes it a story. What I find is when people do that. It's usually because they're trying to paint themselves as a hero or a victim right.
01:12:10.89	mikebledsoe	A a.
01:12:14.45	Max Shank	Like oh I did this and then oh my god you won't believe what happened to me I was waiting in line and then they closed the line and I was like what you got to be kidding me so then I had to go to a different line and it took me ten minutes and that was late to pick up my kid. Oh I got I just can't handle this shit anymore and you're like oh gay all right like I get it. Oh.
01:12:24.21	mikebledsoe	Ah.
01:12:30.52	mikebledsoe	Yeah, the the things that some people tell stories about like oh if that that happened to you or me we wouldn't think anything of it like oh the line closed and there was no emotional upset so we wouldn't even remember to tell that story later.
01:12:46.66	Max Shank	Yeah, because it's not. It's not really valid and your life is your collection of stories that you bring with you and the stimuli that you experience and the more you retell a story the more gravity it has in your.
01:13:01.89	mikebledsoe	Like.
01:13:04.90	Max Shank	Life and in yourself. So I'm I'm really I would say careful to elect which stories that I perpetuate is so it's so important.
01:13:14.10	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah, agree and be considerate people. Don't want to hear that shit people don't want to hear like like tell me good stories tell me something with a point you know I.
01:13:20.80	Max Shank	I Hate it.
01:13:28.97	Max Shank	Well, it doesn't it doesn't need to it doesn't need to have a point but it should maybe be funny at least? yeah so I think of it like I think of it like this I think of it I've told you about an energy vampires.
01:13:30.54	mikebledsoe	Yeah, just be considerate. That's how I got said well that would be a good point is the humor humor.
01:13:45.29	mikebledsoe	I'm gonna have I'm gonna have friends listening to this me like oh my God have I been inconsiderate This might think I'm a dick for like no everyone everyone everyone stops talking to me like I'm afraid to talk to him. He's judging me.
01:13:49.81	Max Shank	Yeah, no wonder he never calls me anymore. He must hate me. Yeah, the leper now. Um, it's like an energy vampireism right? People are trying to get.
01:14:04.65	mikebledsoe	Is.
01:14:08.71	Max Shank	Some energy from you for for just a story about how they are sad. Let's say in some way for simplicity's sake but it's just like with regular vampires if you don't invite that in they can't come in. No 1 if you draw a good boundary.
01:14:12.89	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah.
01:14:26.48	Max Shank	No 1 can do that to you and I think right now. Um, maybe it's just more front and center. But I've never seen more like victim stories told and retold I even felt myself doing it ah last year and I ah put the kaibosh on that because. It was easy for me to go like oh you know like f this is not fair. They can't like close my gym blah blah blah blah blah and you know all this all this stuff and I was like man max you gotta stop being such a bitch. Why don't you just focus on what you can do and stop telling that story and sure enough it did make things.
01:15:03.54	mikebledsoe	Yeah, yeah.
01:15:04.55	Max Shank	A ton better. So don't don't don't don't retell stories where you're the victim because you may get you probably will get um some psychic energy boost. You'll get some likes you might even get a hug or something like that. But the the cost is not worth.
01:15:23.51	mikebledsoe	Yeah, well I think we'll close it up there I think we we did a good job talking about relationships. So I say that like it was a question I think there's a lot of nuggets in there. There's a lot of things that I can think.
01:15:24.34	Max Shank	That benefit.
01:15:32.16	Max Shank	Yeah, we were all over the place I liked it? yeah.
01:15:42.11	mikebledsoe	I'm sure tomorrow I'd go oh there's 20 other things I could talk about so maybe there'll be a part 2 to relationships.
01:15:47.24	Max Shank	Yeah, we could get some feedback from the from the folks at home I mean hopefully by now they understand that the most important thing is just to marry a beautiful idiot.
01:16:02.23	mikebledsoe	Ah, oh and if you didn't get that joke man you were doomed max where can people find you.
01:16:03.17	Max Shank	Ah, yeah, do the yeah, do the opposite of that do the exact opposite of that um maxsank dot com I'm also at Maank although I'm not really using. Social media.
01:16:22.37	mikebledsoe	But he may in the future who knows ah you can find me on Instagram at mike underscore bloodso and if you're a coach and doing the coach thing. The strongcoach dot com that's all I got see you next week levy max
01:16:25.39	Max Shank	I might.
01:16:34.58	Max Shank	Thank you folks! Love you buddy.